The Final Push

Obama: Let me have your attention for a moment!

So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about…(puts out his cigarette) … bitching about that vote you lost, some son of a bitch ignored your cold call, somebody got a new add out there, some guy beat you in a debate and so forth. Let’s talk about something important. (to Biden) Are they all here?

Biden: All but Edwards.

Obama: Well, I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important!

(to Hillary) Put that coffee down!! Coffee’s for closers only.

Do you think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you.

I’m here for the White House . I’m here from Howard Dean. And I’m here on a mission of mercy.

Your name’s Clinton?

Clinton: Yeah.

Obama: You call yourself a closer, you son of a bitch?

Dodd: I don’t gotta listen to this shit.

Obama: You certainly don’t pal. ‘Cause the good news is — you’re fired. The bad news is you’ve got, all you got, just six weeks to regain your jobs, starting tonight. Starting with tonight’s news cast.

Oh, have I got your attention now?

Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to the rest of the campaign. As you all know, first prize is the White House. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize’s a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired.

You get the picture? You’re laughing now?

You all got elected. Howard Dean paid good money. Get the votes and win it! You can’t get the votes, you can’t win shit, you can’t close shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it ’cause you are going out!

Clinton: My speach is weak.

Obama: “My speach is weak.” My fucking speach is weak? You’re weak. I’ve been in this business fifteen years.

Dodd: What’s your name?

Obama: FUCK YOU, that’s my name! You know why, Mister? ‘Cause you drove a Saturn to get here tonight, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. That’s my name!

(to Clinton) And your name is “you’re wanting.” And you can’t play in a man’s game. You can’t close them. (at a near whisper) And you go home and tell your husband your troubles. (to everyone again)

Because only one thing counts in this life! Win the election with the votes!

You hear me, you fucking douche bags?

(Obama flips over a blackboard which has two sets of letters on it: ABC, and ATFA.)

Minaya: A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-closing. Always be closing! (looks at Clinton) Always be closing!!

Attack Their Fucking Asses, Attack — (to Richardsons) will you please attack them on their lies? Their — (to Kucinich) can you get on the TV and attack? I know you can because it’s fuck or walk. You attack or you hit the bricks! Fucking — (to Edwards) can you attack them for Christ?!! And Asses. (to Feingold) Attack, you fuckin’ cocksucker! A-T-F-A. Get out there!! You got shitty VP picks comin’ in; you think they came in to get out of the rain? One term Alaskan Governors to get into the race lest it wants to lose!

They’re sitting out there waiting to give you a win!

Are you gonna take it?

Are you man enough to take it?

(to Dodd) What’s the problem pal? You. Dodd.

Dodd: You’re such a hero, you’re so smart. Why you coming down here and waste your time on a bunch of bums?

(Obama walks over to Biden and takes out his Voter Registration Numbers)

Obama: You see these numbers? You see these numbers?

Dodd: Yeah.

Obama: These numbers cost more than your car. Your VP’s been in the Senate for two decades, how long you been in?

You see, pal, that’s who he is. And you’re nothing.

Nice guy? I don’t give a shit.

Good father? Fuck you — go home and play with your kids!!

(to everyone) You wanna work here?


(to Edwards) You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can’t take this — how can you take the abuse you get during a campaign?! You don’t like it — leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, and register 1000 voters! Tonight! In two hours! Can you?

Can you?

Go and do likewise! A-T-F-A!! Get mad! You sons of bitches! Get mad!! You know what it takes to win elections?

It takes brass balls to win elections.

Go and do likewise, gents. The win is out there, you pick ’em up, they’re yours. You don’t–I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those talk shows this weekend and win, win, they’re yours. If not you’re going to be shining my shoes. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. (in a mocking weak voice) “Oh yeah, I used to be a politician, it’s a tough racket.”

(he takes out large stack of red index cards tied together with string from his briefcase) These are the voter registration names. And to you, they’re gold. And you don’t get them. Because to give them to you is just throwing them away.

(he hands the stack to Biden)

They’re for winners.

I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it.

(to Dodd) And to answer your question, pal: why am I here?

I came here because Howard Dean asked me to, he asked me for a favor.

I said, the real favor, follow my advice and fire your fucking ass, because a loser is a loser.


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